Jana Hocking on straight men use dating apps to connect with other men
The other day I was at dinner with my favorite gay husband aka “gusband” and we were halfway through a bottle of red, so of course the conversation quickly turned to my favorite topic: our sex lives.
Since I’m basically a nun right now *sigh*, my friends’ update was much more interesting. He revealed that he is currently sleeping with a straight guy.
Um… excuse me what? Yeah, turns out they met on a gay dating app called Scruff and the guy is in a direct relationshipbut like to venture further afield from time to time.
Now, as someone who subscribes to the belief that there is no such thing as gay or straight, rather that sexuality is on a spectrum and is much more complex than a simple black and white answer, I’m always a bit shocked when I hear about people who are brave enough to explore your sexuality.
I mean, sure, it’s not great that the dude cheats a bit, but other than that, I think it’s okay to try out new hats to see what they like when it comes to sex. (Obviously within healthy limits).
When I asked if there were a lot of “straight” men on Scruff, he said “Oh yeah, loads!” I ventured further and asked how many “straight” guys he had slept with and after a bit of thinking he said “Oh about ten”.
He went further and said that most of them had wives or girlfriends, but they were just super nosy, and it was pretty common for him and his friends to date guys who said they were straight.
I decided to dig deeper and asked more gay friends if this was a common practice and it was 100% YES!
A gay friend even revealed that he loves the chase when it comes to dating a straight guy. Almost like it was a fun game to play. Eh!
It reminded me of a message I got in my DMs when I hosted a “Tell me a sassy secret” party on my Instagram.
A guy wrote; “I watch gay porn and changed my Tinder to match guys so I could send d**k pics because it turns me on. But I’ve never been with a guy before.
It makes me wonder if we will ever reach a point where people are no longer judged for their sexuality. Just when you think we’ve come this far, you hear again about someone being pushed further back into the closet.
So, is there really still a need for labels? Do they confine and restrict us?
I remember once in my early twenties I did the unspeakable – yes I went through my ex-boyfriend’s phone…I know tsk tsk – but it revealed some very naughty messages with another guy.
I decided to gently confront him about it. It hurt to know that he was half-cheating on me, but what hurt me the most was the thought that he might be gay and too scared to come out.
So I took him to a bar, ordered two shots of tequila and said, “Drink this and then I’ll ask you a question.”
He did as I was told, and with a bit of tequila bravado, I simply asked him directly, “So…do you think you might be gay?”
I quickly added a “Honestly, I don’t mind if you are, I just want you to be happy, and please know that I will never judge you.”
At first he looked shocked, then broke down in tears and revealed that yes, he thought he might be. It was a cathartic beautiful moment, and something, years and years later, that we now laugh about.
So I think the lesson here is that if you can leave the judgment at the door, a robust and curious sex/love life can be a glorious thing. If only we gave people the respect and the space to explore.